


I am sorry, I meant to be your shelter, not your storm

by bgsbgsbgs



Category: Scrubs
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-02-07 17:36:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1907823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bgsbgsbgs/pseuds/bgsbgsbgs





	I am sorry, I meant to be your shelter, not your storm

I am sorry, I meant to be your shelter, not your storm  
It was another one of those days. I’d screwed up with a patient (again), it was my third year here, and as Dr. Cox kept on saying, these were rookie mistakes. I really can’t get anything right, can I? Well, Dr. Cox should be done in about 15 to 20 mins so that gives my mind sometime to wander. Okay, so I had lunch with Carla and Turk, but it was only a salad and diet soda so lets say 250 calories, I skipped breakfast and if I skip dinner then maybe...no...no...it’s all wrong. I don’t deserve food! I’m a fuck up, the least I can do is not be fat right? 

“NEWBIE”, Dr.Cox pierces the quiet of my thoughts. He doesn’t even look angry anymore. Just sad. “Hey, are you oaky?” I kinda just look at him in shock for about 5 seconds and then excuse myself and run off to the supply closet. On the way, I nearly destroy Doug, but I really need this. The knife is where I left it, it’s my knife and it feels good in my hands. I drag it across my skin. I push down harder because what kind of doctor can’t keep their own dad alive? Harder, because I couldn’t help Dr.Cox when Ben died. Harder, because I keep screwing things up with Eliot and women everywhere. Harder, because the Janitor hates my guts. Harder, because I let Eliot’s friend die. Harder because I disappointed Dr. Cox (again) and harder still because Dr. Cox would never love me back. BEEP “Crap” I murmured as my pager made me jump ten feet into the air. I dragged my sorry self off of my sorry ass and bandaged up my arm and went to find Dr. Cox. 

“Newbie! What took you so long?” demanded Dr. Cox. Umm...what constitutes a good excuse? “Oh, it doesn’t matter...I need you to...” Suddenly, I felt weak and then everything went black and the last thing I heard was Dr.Cox yelling. 

When I woke up, Dr. Cox was sitting by my bed, sleeping peacefully. He looked so much younger, so much happier asleep. Unfortunately, the sound of my raised heart rate woke him up. “Newbie! I mean J.D...how are you feeling?”  
“Okay” I lied. Everything ached.  
“We put you on an IV....I’m sorry...I didn’t know...if you want you can transfer...”  
I couldn’t take it any longer “Transfer what? Didn’t know what?”  
He gently patted my shoulder. “I’m sorry...but I saw them...your scars....I mean some of them are because of me right” I could hear him choke on tears “If not all of them are my fault. I know I’m mean to you and probably treat you horribly, but that is how I show someone that I care....I know it’s dumb but....you are an amazing kid and don’t let anyone...especially me tell you otherwise...J.D...”  
I couldn’t take it any longer....watching him stew in his guilt “They aren’t because of you! None of them....I promise”  
His face softened “Then why? Please, tell me...I promise I’ll help”  
“Looks it’s just, a lot of things....I’m a doctor so it’s not gonna get out of hand...it’s just how I deal with things. It’s perfectly safe!”  
“You know next time you wanna do that....talk to Ghandi, or Barbie....or even me?” What the hell? Since when was Dr.Cox caring?  
I kinda just stared at him blankly for a while until he said “Do you know why you’re in hear?” I shook my head “In bed I mean, it’s because you’re underweight and malnourished. You need to eat more...please....for me!” He pulled up a bagel with cream cheese. How did he know it was my favorite? No, I’ve got to stay strong, I don’t want to be hideous forever... “I’ve heard that it’s your favourite....I mean if you’re up to it, we can go to the cafeteria in a couple of hours and get a some diner” Was he asking me out? I stared down at the gaping hole that was my stomach “I’m really not that hungry, I mean lunch was a couple hours ago and I ate a helluva a lot” His expression hardened “Newbie!” He had yet to call me a girls name... “This isn’t a joke....you aren’t allowed to lie and pussyfoot around the matter....I mean it....please...look...you’re a doctor...you know how crucial food is. If you keep losing weight, you won’t be around anymore...and...I’m not gonna pretend that I understand but....”  
“I’m fine” I said through gritted teeth.  
“Look, Barbara, I don’t care if you and your girlfriend Carol pinky-swore that you’d both be under 100lbs by her wedding in three weeks!” he sighed “I’m sorry, this isn’t your fault....” Something not my fault? What are the odds? “I mean, you’ll get better Newbie, I mean J.D. I promise”  
“I like Newbie, it’s comforting”  
He smirked “Okay, Newbie...why d’ya do it?” And suddenly over 30 years of emotional repression became too much and I burst into uncontrollable tears and I told him everything and he listened

Dr.Cox’s POV  
The kid screwed up. I had a right to be angry, and I had yelled at him before but god, he looked like he was about to cry. He looked like he was about to faint, he really did look like he was gonna faint. “Hey, are you okay?” I asked try to make my voice as gentle and as quiet as possible, but he looked as shocked as hell. After a brief moment, he bolted off..okay...that was pretty darn weird...

After about fifteen minutes, I was worried. The kid hadn’t found me, annoyed me, complained about his friends - NOTHING. Complete radio silence - it was deafening. Eventually, I caved and paged him, I’m sure I could think of some busy work for him to do...I just needed to know that he was okay. After about 5 minutes of waiting he arrived, looking as tired as hell. I gave him some instruction, trying to be as patient and kind as possible - man he looked like he was about to keel over any second. I looked up and saw him falling - I acted as fast as I could, catching him before he hit the floor. But he was already unconscious. I was vaguely aware that I was shouting his name, pleading with him to be okay. I called over a nurse, and she bought me a bed that I put him on. I frantically ordered a bunch of tests, I knew I didn’t even need to bother scaring the intern that I sent to do it. I pulled up his sleeve to take a pulse and what I saw shocked me. His wrist was a battlefield of angry red scars, some were deeper than others , some were excruciating deep. I looked a little closer and about five of them could not be over 10 minutes old, others maybe a day, a week, a month but there were also fading cuts that could be years old. I knew from the direction of the blade that they were self-inflicted. I pulled his sleeve down as fast as I could in order to prevent someone from seeing them and I swore to myself that I would make this right somehow. I guess the only thing left to do is wait. The waiting is agony, it’s like every thought is about Newbie. But, yeah when I finished my shift I just waited in his room for a while. 

I don’t know when I fell asleep, but evidently I did. I was jolted awake by the noise of the machines measuring Newbie’s vitals and I was prepared for the worst. I sat up in shock to find Newbie looking considerably better, we needed to talk.  
“Newbie” I croaked, my voice alarmingly hoarse. Crap! I don’t want to antagonize him, I know that this may be mostly my fault, god i’m such an asshole. “I mean J.D” I put on a weak smile, he needed me to be strong, for him “Hey....how are you feeling?”  
He paused for an alarmingly long time “Okay”. He didn’t need to be strong for me. I need to do this fast, rip it off like a band - aid....this is for him “You can transfer if you want” this is so hard, i’m not ready to say goodbye “I’m sorry, we didn’t know...” I had to be strong for him He looked so confused and lost and anxious.  
A little while later, I’d gotten him started and he told me all about his dad and how he died and his mum and how he wished that she were ‘more alive’, about how he felt like a failure at everything and hoe he couldn’t take any more. I gave him the name of my shrink and told him how he’d helped me and how amazing he was and I got him to move in with me. Then he told me how he felt about me, and I told him how much I loved him and long story short, I have a boyfriend. 

Later that week  
“Are you ready for our first diner date, J.D?” he hugged me “If it gets too much, we can leave...I’m really proud of you, y’know?” I scoffed “I mean it...I know you find that kind of thing hard but...”  
“I don’t find it hard when you’re around” I confessed. “Everything is easy when your around”  
“I’m glad Newbie, I’m glad”


End file.
